in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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