I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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