And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
