Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
