Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
