i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
