Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
