I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
