1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
