I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
