I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
