I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
