I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
