Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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