I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
love makes seman taste better
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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