There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
