i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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