I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
