I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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