I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
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I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
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Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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