Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
as a side note pls kill me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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