I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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