Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
