can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
