I want to have your abortion
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
