On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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