i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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