you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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