Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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