His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
