There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
