there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
