She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
