matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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