If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
