He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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