I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
