can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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