Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
