This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
