I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
