sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
