I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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