and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
