i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
