if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
