someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
operation have a gay friend backfired
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You don't make any sense
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