tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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