I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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