I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
