I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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