May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
