I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the day after is always just damage control
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
