I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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