My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
