I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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