saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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