I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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