While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
its not stalking. its research.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
