he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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