sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
