My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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