You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
