I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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